Some of the reasons that young people may find difficult or  nigh on impossible to attend school include: finding it difficult to establish friends groups, not feeling that they are able to keep up with lessons, anxiety, depression or other mental health struggles. Other reasons may be that they are experiencing anxiety or worries about leaving home, a phobia about transport or learning differences .... and to make it even more difficult to understand...they may not be able to verbalize their distress, leaving parents, teachers and carers at a loss as to what to do.

It is essential to understand that each child is unique and will have differing underlying reasons for refusing to attend school. It is all to easy  and understandable, to dismiss their feelings due to: educational pressures, work pressures and other family members giving 'advice', also a fear of repercussions. Here are some suggestions that may help - from a parent that is out the other side!

Observe your child

Note any changes in habits - locking themselves away in their room, different eating habits, monotone voice, tearful, angry or overly cheerful. This will give you a starting point to:

Talk to your child, more importantly listen

Firstly make sure you are both in a relaxed frame of mind, maybe do an activity together that you both enjoy. Cooking together was always a good one for us, or making something. This takes the pressure off and in my experience as a counselor and a parent, when the hands are occupied the talking begins. Remember to listen and process - don't jump in, no matter how shocked you may feel about any disclosures. Tell your child you believe them and though you may not have a solution at this moment in time you will support them.

Speak to the school

Contact the school, ask to speak to a teacher, support person that knows your child. I remember making excuses, initially, my child is 'ill' (in all fairness - headaches, tummy aches etc were a manifestation of her anxiety. Acknowledge your own emotions and try and step back from the. Tell the school your child is struggling with going in and you would like to work together to find a solution.

Pen Portrait

Write a 'pen portrait' about the outward physical signs your child might show when their anxiety is rising and make sure that every teacher has a copy and has read it! This may be nail biting, foot tapping, hair twizzling, daydreaming, po-face, disruptive behaviour (class clown etc). This can alert the teachers to give the child pre-arrange time to self regulate and calm down (discreetly)

Help your child use a problem- solving approach

Ask for their input...help them identify the things that make it hard for them to leave home or go to school. Sometimes it helps to get them a journal, some coloured pens and ask them to draw / write their concerns and talk them through - also what they feel the ideal solution may be. NB this may not  be your idea of ideal nor the schools / legal system.

Help them set small, achievable targets

Depending how far down the line you are..this may seem impossible at first. By helping your child set the targets though, you are showing that you are listening. It may be taking them into school rather than using the school bus. Meeting with a friend outside the school to walk in with. The tough one, when you are working...being available at the end of the phone to reassure and calm your child if the anxiety gets too much.

No child learns if they are anxious

Remember to meet your child at their current level. If we force a child into heightened anxiety, they are not able to learn. There is hope, as the saying goes, this to will pass, your child will grow and thrive with your amazing support

One size does NOT fit all

Each child, each set of circumstances are different. There is no one-size fits all solution. Remember, you are doing the best you can, your child is doing the best he/she can, given the circumstances. Be curious, listen and above all, be kind to yourselves.

Julie Williams (certified parent of school avoidant child!)